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Every year around this time two different segments of the GLBT population voice their concerns about Pride.  On the one side you have the people who think it’s become too Stepford, too assimilationist, too far from the original concept.  On the other you have those who believe that it should be abolished entirely because it makes the GLBT community seem like sexual deviants rather than respectable citizens.

If you’ve met me or read more than one entry in this blog you shouldn’t be surprised to learn that I fall in the first camp (no pun intended).  I love Pride, I’ve been going since I was 12 and I see no reason to change anything.  Yet every year it seems that the festivities are becoming more and more toned down as we try to make the heterosexual population more comfortable.  This year it became too much for me to handle.

I like families.  I like kids.  I certainly have no objection to straight people (it’d make life rather difficult if I did).  However, I have exactly one weekend every year where I can be myself.  One weekend where I can relax and enjoy being surrounded by people who don’t look at me funny for wearing nailpolish or a sarong.  While society is slowly becoming more comfortable with my sexuality, it is still disturbed by my effeminate gender expression.  San Francisco Pride weekend is the one time where that aspect of myself is not only accepted, but celebrated.

At least, it was.  This year I saw maybe two leather men wearing only chaps.  No topless lesbians (which, to be fair, I didn’t really miss).  No anemones.  It’s not Pride without anemones.  Preferably drunken ones.  Instead I saw straight couples with toddlers in strollers.  Straight couples cuddling during Gay Pride.  If I wanted to be in the minority I could do that any other day of the year.  Pride weekend is supposed to be my time.  The time when I’m finally not the odd one out.

The anti-Pride segment of the community doesn’t understand that.  They’ve never actively been marginalised.  They may have same sex attractions, but they’re not blatantly homosexual.  These are the gay men who are considered “straight acting”, the people who aren’t usually pegged as anything other than straight by those who aren’t close to them.  They don’t understand what it’s like to be the one nelly kid in your class or how infuriating it is to be called “faggot” almost every day.

Pride isn’t for people who fit in.  It never has been.  It’s for those of us who are a little different.  I was lucky, I grew up in a place where I could be myself without anyone caring.  Not everyone gets that chance, most gay kids (particularly gay males) are raised in areas where being anything other than 100% straight is unacceptable.  If you are gay then you’d better not “act gay”.  Even once kids grow up and come out they often retain the sissyphobia they were raised with.

Pride (and San Francisco Pride in particular) is the time to wash away all those old memories.  It’s the time when even the most effeminate, flamboyant, camp gay man can be himself.  No one tells you you’re too much of a sissy at Pride.  No one tries to make you butch it up for the heteros.  No one tells you you’re acting like too much of a stereotype.  It’s an open, accepting environment for those of us who couldn’t blend in even if we tried.

Other places have Pride, but they don’t have the same atmosphere San Francisco always did.  I live in DC now and I’ve been to LA Pride, neither even comes close to San Francisco.  This shows more when you talk to the fabulous, flaming gay men who haven’t been to San Francisco Pride.  They’re apologetic, almost ashamed of their effeminance.  A facet of their being that is celebrated in San Francisco is seen as a character flaw everywhere else.

To me there is nothing more depressing than seeing someone who is otherwise completely sure of themself suddenly become reluctant to admit that they’re flamboyant.  I know why it happens, effeminance isn’t very highly regarded in gay male culture (or anywhere else), but that doesn’t mean I agree with it.  These are men and boys who need a place to call their own.  Even if it’s only a few city blocks for one weekend a year.  Everyone deserves a place where they can be themselves.

Tobias gay cultural events, gay life, social issues

Right back where I started from
Where bowers of flowers bloom in the sun
Each morning, at dawning, birdies sing and everything
A sun-kissed miss said “Don’t be late!”
That’s why I can hardly wait
Open up your Golden Gates,
California, here I come!

In approximately 10 hours I will be on a plane to San Francisco!  I haven’t been this excited in…well, almost exactly a year.  That was the last time I was home.  Last year at Pride (because I’ve only missed two Pride parades since I was 12).  This year I have two awesome new shirts and we’re also heading over to Santa Cruz.  I haven’t been to Santa Cruz in years.  I haven’t been to any beach since I moved to London…jeez, almost two years ago.

I’m looking forward to Pride and Pink Saturday because I always do.  Tyler’s parents never let us go to Pink Saturday (giant, most of the night block party on Castro Street) meaning my first one wasn’t until I was 18, almost 19.  I always manage to forget that I get self conscious around people so I never actually dance, but it’s fun to go and get pictures and people watch.

I can’t wait to get to Santa Cruz.  I’ve had like no sleep so I’ll probably end up burnt from passing out in the sun, but I’m excited anyway.  I LOVE Santa Cruz, they have the most awesome Boardwalk.  The weather isn’t going to be great for the beach, but it’s the one day I have so I’m taking what I can get.  If nothing else, I’m looking forward to the Dipper Diner and Giant Dipper.  Maybe Neptune’s Kingdom, but I was never all that into arcades.

Plus, San Francisco has Jamba Juice.  And In and Out.  And Del Taco.  They’re not all the easiest to get to, but I will have my Jamba and Double Double and Macho Nachos, damnit.  If only because I can only get to them once a year.  Jamba a bit more often if we go up to New York.  Still not often enough though.

Tobias gay cultural events, gay life, personal life

I’ve known this one girl since I was 10.  Sweet girl, we always got along relatively well.  Except she’s Mormon.  I’m gay.  Those of you who know my partner and I personally know that there’s a bit more to the legal aspects of that, but the end result is the same: I only have relationships with men.  This person who considers themself my friend wants to deny me the same kind of happiness and validation she shares with her husband (who she has been with for less time than Parker and I).

I consider myself an open minded person.  I try not to dislike people simply because they have different opinions.  I’ve always tried to see things from different viewpoints.  However, I don’t know that I can continue to have a friendship with someone who quite obviously does not see me as their equal.  It’s not as if she is completely sheltered and doesn’t realise that her vote for Proposition 8 hurts me personally, she’s known about my sexual orientation since we were in our early teens.  Yet she continues to insist that marriage is a sacred partnership between one man and one woman.

I suppose I could understand that.  At the very least, I understand that she is a religious woman and therefore her faith will have some bearing on her viewpoints.  Except that she can’t explain to me why her views should be allowed to affect my rights.  Particularly as she violated a rather strict Mormon tennant when she lived with her husband long before they were married.  Why is it acceptable for her to ignore her own religious principles, but it’s not acceptable for me?  A person who is not Mormon, has never been Mormon, and will never be Mormon.  I’m not even Christian.

It’s the same problem I have with anyone who opposes same sex marriage.  No one can give me a valid reason as to why their personal beliefs should affect my life.  I’ve heard a myriad of reasons, but none that hold up under questioning.  “The Bible says homosexuality is a sin.”  First of all, that’s completely untrue once taken in context from the original, unadulterated translations.  For that matter, David and Jonathan have what is clearly a same sex romance that is recognised in all ways other than legal.  Second, I’m not Christian.  I’m Jewish.  Reform Jewish.  My Rabbi is perfectly willing to perform same sex marriage ceremonies.  The URJ has been doing this for decades.  Why should your strict-interpretation beliefs infringe upon my rights?

“We cannot change a traditional ceremony.”  Really?  Why not?  Moses had two wives, Abraham had three, Solomon had 700 with 300 concubines.  If we’re not going for a Biblical context (after all, some of us are Buddhist), then up until the 1960s two people of different races could not get married in the US.  For that matter, let’s look at minimum marriage age laws.  Most states have now moved up to 18, but that’s rather recent.  When our parents were growing up it wasn’t unusual for 15 year old teenagers to marry if the girl was pregnant and both sets of parents consented.  Obviously we’re fine with changing the definition of marriage so long as both parties are heterosexual.

“Marriage is designed as a way to create families.  Gay couples cannot bear children, therefore they don’t need to be married.”  Many people either cannot or choose not to have children.  Elderly couples, couples where one or both parties are infertile, childfree couples all can be married without having children.  This also assumes that gay couples won’t adopt children or take advantage of current reproductive technology.  Lesbian couples using artificial insemination and gay male couples having a surrogate are hardly unheard of.  Do these children not deserve all the protections offered by having married parents?

“The country was founded on Judeo-Christian values that don’t allow for same sex marriage.”  We also have a thing called seperation of church and state.  It was designed by the founders for this express purpose.  Founders who were not Christian.  The vast majority were secular humanists or theists with no religious affiliation.  They set up the country in such a way as to allow for religious freedom for all citizens.  This includes not forcing your religious views on my life.  I won’t try to force you to avoid leavened bread during Passover (thereby ruining all of your Easter desserts) and you don’t try to keep me from getting married.

“But then people will be able to marry their dog!”  Now, I will admit that I made this joke at my first GSA meeting.  In my defense, I was like 13 and wasn’t serious.  I just forgot that not everyone understands my sense of humour.  As far as actual, real world implications go, it’s impossible.  A dog does not have legal standing.  A dog is not legally capable of signing a contract.  Therefore, a dog cannot be legally married to any person, place, or thing.  The same is true of people under the age of 18.  A minor is not capable of entering into a legal contract.  When 16 year olds get married they must have parental permission.  This does not change if the minor in question is gay.

“What about polygamists?”  This is one where I mock the Mormons against gay marriage.  Your religion doesn’t have the best record on “traditional” marriage, sweethearts!  In fact, you only dropped polygamy because otherwise Utah wouldn’t have been allowed in the union.  Don’t go acting like you’ve always been wholesome, all-American types.  That said, I have nothing against consenual polyamory.  I’ll go into detail later, but I’m actually poly.  I believe that so long as all parties consent and are capable of giving consent no one should try telling them how to live their lives.  This is why I’m pro-choice and pro-euthanasia.  I don’t personally believe in either, but I can’t bring myself to tell other people how to live or die.  Therefore, I really don’t care if three people or five or twenty all want to marry each other.  I don’t care if one guy wants to have 50 wives (or one woman 50 husbands) so long as all the previous wives/husbands agree to the new addition.  I realise that this isn’t going to bring anyone to my side, but I refuse to be ashamed of my beliefs.

“I don’t want my children to learn that homosexuality is valid.”  Then don’t send them to public school.  This is one of the very few times I believe in infringing upon the rights of others.  Why?  Because it’s for the public good.  Back in the 1950s and 60s white parents didn’t want their children learning that black children were just as good as them.  They didn’t want their children to learn that there didn’t have to be segregation.  Now people who continue to hold those beliefs are seen as ignorant and backwards (at best).  Times change, society moves on.  In this case I think it’s for the better.

Any variation of “but those horrible homosexuals can’t raise children!”, usually in regards to adoption and fostering.  Guess what?  We already raise children.  We raise healthy, happy children who are open minded and capable of loving anyone regardless of race, sex, gender, national origin, or any of the other lines that children raised in bigoted households fear to cross.  In fact, children raised by same sex parents tend to fare better than those raised in heterosexual households.  Why?  Because up until recently the only option gay parents had was to adopt.  When you adopt you are prepared for all of the expenses and stresses of child rearing simply because you have to go through an intensive approval process.  What’s more, gay parents are almost always given the most “problematic” children that cannot be placed elsewhere.  We’re told we will never be approved for a healthy child so instead we choose the baby with Down’s Syndrome or severe autism or fetal alcohol syndrome.  If gay parents are so horrible, why do you continue to give us your most vulnerable children?

“Perhaps most important, the spread of the Gospel of Jesus Christ will be severely curtailed. The family has been God’s primary vehicle for evangelism since the beginning.” I’M JEWISH.  I do not want your Christ, I have no need for your Christ.  I have already been exposed to your interpretation of G-d, the Bible, and the nice, hippy Jewish boy you call a the messiah.  I have no use for a group of people so hateful, so angry, so blinded by fear that they refuse to acknowledge the most important message of the man they believe died for their sins: Love Thy Neighbour.

I’ve tried explaining all of this to people before.  I have tried to make them see that while I respect their views (even while I disagree), I cannot allow them to run my life.  They refuse to do the same for me.  If people who are against gay marriage would simply not attend gay weddings then I would have no problem with them.  The trouble comes when they try to prevent me from attaining the same rights and benefits that every heterosexual person in this country enjoys.  Hard as I try, I don’t think I can be friends with a person like that.

Tobias gay life, personal life, politics, social issues

For all the gay community is great at making films, clothes, and musicals, we really suck at making books.  For some ridiculous reason everyone seems to adore Heather Has Two Mommies and Daddy’s Roommate, but very few like One Dad, Two Dads, Brown Dad, Blue Dads.  I don’t get why because they were all published within a few years of each other and while the first two are horribly pedantic, Blue Dads is just silly enough to be fun while still getting the point across.

Is it a little preachy?  Well, yes, but in the same way that The Lorax is.  Obviously the book has a political agenda, any book on gay parents is going to.  The difference is that while Heather and Roommate preach at a level well beyond their intended audience (what four year old needs to know about artificial insemination?), Blue Dads takes the innate acceptance of young children and builds on it.

People don’t seem to understand that you don’t have to teach kids how to be accepting.  You have to teach them to be polite, to not stare when they see someone different from themself.  Once that’s done they’ll handle just about anything you throw at them.  It’s why you don’t see self-segragation on the basis of race or economic class until about junior high, kids don’t care about that sort of thing.  Adults do.  If the adults around a particular group of kids don’t teach them to notice things like that then they don’t tend to figure it out.  At least, I didn’t.  Still don’t, for the most part.

Tobias books, social issues

While most people consider bullying to be the biggest problem facing GLBT youth, I disagree.  If kids don’t bully their peers based on sexual orientation then it’ll be due to academics or hobbies or accents or any number of other things.  The solution to bullying is a strictly enforced policy at the home, school, and community levels.  Sending GLBT students to different schools simply means they’ll be teased for something other than their sexual orientation and/or gender identity.

However, schools catering to GLBT youth can have a much more varied curriculum than their mostly straight counterparts.  For instance, even schools that teach comprehensive sex education have very little to say to the young lesbians in class (and less to the transgendered students).  Schools that cater to GLBT youth can focus less on how to prevent pregnancy and more on turning a condom into a last minute dental dam.

If thinking about high school students having sex makes you squirm, there are certainly other areas of life that are different for GLBT youth.  Everyone knows Oscar Wilde was gay, but how many know about Walt Whitman’s same sex trysts?  Or Emily Dickenson’s love letters to “close female friends”.  How about the fact that Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. was in favour of gay rights?  These details may be small to others, but to GLBT students they are a link to historic and cultural ties that are not passed down from parent to child.

This lack of generational connection is part of what makes the GLBT community different from other minority groups.  As a second-generation American I was exposed to both my home culture and that of the outside world.  My grandmother taught me to make tamales for Christmas while in school I learned about gingerbread men.  GLBT youth do not have these ties; instead they are forced to stumble onto cultural signifiers such as the Stonewall riots or the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence by sheer luck.  By having GLBT schools we are allowing the students who attend to learn about a culture that may or may not be their own.

Yes, I did say that GLBT culture may not be that of the students attending a GLBT school.  Take a close look at the admissions application for the Harvey Milk High School in New York City (the first GLBT public school in the US).  Nowhere does it ask for sexual orientation.  In fact, the school is forbidden from discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation, sex, gender, gender identity, or gender presentation.  Most students applying are likely GLBT in some way, but it is absolutely not a requirement.  A student may have GLBT friends or family or simply be an ally.

Either way, the end result is the same.  A safe, affirming environment for people of all sexual orientations and gender identities where students can learn about GLBT culture in ways that are not possible in other schools.

Tobias gay life, social issues

I somehow managed to forget how depressed the DC gay community (or lack thereof) always makes me.  I’m from San Francisco, coming to DC was a massive cultural shock for me.  Add in that DC Pride happens to fall around the worst days of the year for me and…well, it’s not a great combination.

The parade wasn’t as bad as last year.  I went with a group of people from school which was fun.  Close enough to the group I used to go with back home to make me less emo.  Plus, Parker was marching with GMCW so I was sure to get beads.  I was a little disappointed about the good looking, shirtless, camper than a row of tents guys being on the other side of the street, but there certainly were enough half naked men to go around.  And drag queens.  Oh how I love my drag queens.

Festival day was yesterday.  That’s always the biggest let down for me and I somehow keep managing to forget.  First of all, it’s about a quarter of the size of San Francisco Pridefest.  Second, while the parade has its share of queens and flamers, the festival is much lower key than I’m used to.  I don’t know if it’s because the parade and festival are on two seperate days or what, but everyone is in boring, everyday clothes rather than high camp.  There aren’t even really fairy wings which is just sad.

Then you have the fact that people insist on continuing to think I’m a lesbian.  Uh, no.  Not only am I not into women, I’m male.  Pretty sure that keeps me out of the dyke club.  You’d think I’d be used to it by now since it’s been going on forever, but it never really gets any better.

I can handle it back in San Francisco.  Not only do I have more people there who know and understand, but at least there once you correct someone they go with it.  There they don’t assume that the person in a pink, sparkly button front shirt (unbuttoned so that it was clear there weren’t boobs) and white short shorts is a lesbian.  Mostly because how many self respecting butch lesbians sparkle?

Of course, there’s also the whole DC Stepford Fag thing.  I’m sorry, but I’m not like all the straight guys.  First of all, I like men.  I like ballet and musical theatre and fashion design.  I grew up going to Pride, riding floats, marching in parades, organising GSAs, and teaching other people about GLBT history.  I’m different.  I like that I’m different, I think those differences are what make the world fun.

DC doesn’t get that.  DC doesn’t get anything other than what HRC and Frank Kameny (sissyphobic asshole that he is) think is right.  DC can’t seem to understand that you can’t thank Kameny for Stonewall because he hated the Stonewall rioters.  He thought they were making trouble, he wanted them out of the movement along with all the other flame queens, drag queens, and faggots out there.  Frank Kameny is the compelte antithesis of Pride, he’s an assimilationist jackass and I don’t know why people out here love him so much.

I can handle these things one at a time.  I can’t handle them all at once.  In San Francisco I’ll get mistaken for a lesbian, I can about guarantee it, but there will also be guys in purple, spandex hot pants and rainbow fairy wings.  There will be Sisters and kinksters and all of the fun, affirming groups that Pride needs to have.  At the very least there will be people who tell me how good I look in my outfit.  Because, damnit, I did not go through all the trouble of making the thing simply to have people look at me like I’m somehow making them all look bad.

Tobias gay cultural events, gay life

With photos.  Just need a bit of rest first.

Tobias gay cultural events, gay life

1. Graduation fashion show – need to find models.  If any women in the DC area want a free haircut and colour contact me.  You’ll have to go with what I want to begin with, but I can easily change it to something else if you don’t like it.
2. GMCW show review – this may or may not happen.  I want to, but it’s been almost a week now and details are getting fuzzy.
3. Pride! – Starting this Saturday.  I am so ridiculously excited.
4. Friend/Acquaintance issues – had this post half way done for about a month, but my brain keeps shutting off and refusing to be even remotely eloquent.
5. Poly confusion (sorta) – for some odd reason people freak out when they find out that I really don’t care if Parker looks at other guys (and vice versa).  We have a very basic rule: look and *flirt as much as you want, but anything beyond that needs prior approval.  This doesn’t tend to go over well with others and I can’t for the life of me figure out why.  Bit more to this story, but that’s the basic idea.

The chances of me getting any of this done before the fashion show next Sunday?  Slim to none.  I’m going to try though, if only because I’ve had an intense need to write for the past couple of weeks and simply haven’t had the time.

*Well…attempt to flirt anyway.  Neither of us has ever been any good at it, at least not consciously.  I’m shy and awkward and Parker’s an Aspie.  Our flirting tends to come across as spazzing.

Tobias blogs

Well, new apartment really.  It’s like twice the size of the last one and it took us a good week to move in.  There will be more later, but at the moment I’m absolutely shattered.  I do want to post a review of the GMCW summer show at some point.  I went to opening night because it was Parker’s first one and I’ve had the entire damned second half stuck in my head since.  Which wouldn’t suck so bad, but tend to only get a line or two so now I’ve had “the ordinary things are the first to go ” running through my head for three days.  After a while it starts to get annoying.

Tobias gay life, personal life

There are four main breeds of dog picked for seizure response work: Labradors, Golden Retrievers, German Shepherds, and Border Collies.  The first three are all completely out of the question for me simply because they’re too big.  Parker isn’t into big dogs, they freak him out.  I don’t mind large breeds, that whole Staffie thing kind of got me used to dogs that can knock me over.  Parker has to be capable of taking care of the dog as well though, so I’m looking at possibly getting a Border Collie.

Border Collies are a breed of dog Parker’s used to, his parents have one now and she’s a sweetheart.  They’re also the smartest breed of dog in existence which is useful.  Any dog that can learn a new comand in 5 repetitions or less is going to cut training time down immensely.  However, they’re also extremely active.  They’re herding dogs so they’re used to being out in the fields chasing sheep for hours every day.  They need vast amounts of phsyical and mental exercise every day in order to be happy.  Before I commit to getting one I want to make sure I’m going to be able to give this pup what it needs.

Which is why I was very relieved when I found this.  It essentially breaks down how it IS possible to have a Border Collie in an apartment if you’re willing to put in the extra work.  One of the advantages to service dog training is that it allows me to give the dog opportunities that most pets nver have.  My dog will go with me everywhere as soon as it has passed the AKC’s Canine Good Citizen test (or STAR Puppy test if the dog is advanced…which a Border may well be).  The pup will get up, have some play time (and food), then head off to school with me.  We’ll clock in and if I get there on time will have another half hour of “working play” time (no fetch or off leash running, but plenty of mental exercise) before class starts.  Then no more than an hour and a half of class time in between breaks (two 15 minute breaks and one hour long lunch).  Head home where we’ll have most of the afternoon and evening for actual puppy play time.  Unlike most dogs, mine will rarely (if ever) be left in a kennel all day.

A Border still isn’t a sure thing.  I haven’t yet figured out what to do during the in between part of training, where he’s well trained enough to go with me everywhere as a service dog in training (SDIT), but not old enough to meet the VA state requirement for SDITs.  Ideally we’d get a slightly older dog, but those are hard to come by.  Most rescue groups won’t even consider placing a Border Collie with someone who doesn’t have a yard and breeders tend to have all their pups sold by the time they’re 12 weeks.  So while the apartment Border info is reassuring, it doesn’t mean I’ll have a service dog next week or anything.

Tobias epilepsy, medical issues, personal life, seizure response dog