Suicide: It’s not about you.
Suicide is a horribly cruel thing to do to someone who loves you. – Person on the Nano Boards
Kiss my ass. Has it ever occurred to you to shut the fuck up about things you obviously don’t understand? Suicide isn’t about you. It’s not about anyone other than the person who’s attempting it. No one tries to kill themselves because they think it’s nice. It’s not nice, it’s horrible and often gory. At a certain point you no longer care.
I love Parker more than anyone I have ever met. That doesn’t mean my brain chemistry has suddenly changed. It doesn’t stop me from being suicidal 3-6 months out of every year. It means I work harder to keep myself stable, but that doesn’t mean I’m always successful. In many ways I’m more suicidal with Parker than I am without. Having someone love you is a scary thing. It comes with so many responsibilities and extra worries that most people never think about.
When it’s just me I can be depressed. I don’t have to worry about how my mental health impacts anyone else. Even my closest friends can rarely tell when I’m in a down swing, after nearly 20 years I’ve become rather good at hiding it. I can’t keep that up all the time though, it’s exhausting. Existing is exhausting. So Parker finds out. And he worries. A lot. Because the boy could worry for America.
I wish I could say that know he worries means I try to worry him less, but it doesn’t work like that. The only thing it does is make me feel worse about not being normal. Of course, if he didn’t worry I’d then feel like I don’t matter and therefore I should just off myself and be done with it. When I hit bottom it doesn’t matter what anyone does, I’m still going to be depressed. That’s just how my brain works.
So yes, someone could well kill themselves knowing full well that it will hurt the people they love. I’ve tried several times. It’s not about them. Not the way anyone would think. As much as I would hate for Parker to have to deal with the aftermath of my death, there are still times that I think he’d be better off without me. Living with a severely depressed person isn’t easy. It’s particularly difficult when that person has a myriad of other health issues that keep them from working. Add in that I cut down the number of jobs he can apply for because we need something that will give me health insurance and there are definitely times I think his life would be easier if I was gone.
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