Invisible Disabilities: They Suck Monkeys.

I have to call school today and see about getting my leave of absence extended.  Actually, I should have called them two weeks ago because I was meant to be back on Tuesday.  I try, but I’m terrified they’ll say no.

See, I don’t look ill.  In fact, I very rarely look ill.  I’m not allowed to leave the apartment without supervision, but I look perfectly fine.  Small maybe, but healthy.

What people don’t realise is that many people with disabilities look just as capable as everyone else.  I don’t need a wheelchair or a walker or even a cane.  I can see well enough (…with glasses), hear well enough, walk well enough.  What I can’t do is go more than two blocks without wandering off to lord only knows where.  I’ve been slowly trying to see how far I can go without somehow ending up in random places with no recollection of how I got there.  It’s not working so well.

I know that my brain takes side trips when I’m at home too.  I can’t remember entire conversations I’ve had with Parker.  I was apparently a complete ass a couple of nights ago, but I have absolutely no recollection of it.  It’s part of the reason I haven’t called school.  I’ll start to and next thing I know it’s five in the evening and I’m in the kitchen instead on the bed.  I am terrified of being alone, but figure there’s not a whole lot of trouble I can get into in my own apartment.  We don’t have sharp knives or strong medication because of my history and if I wander off it’s at least day time.

I still don’t look different though.  I still look like someone who should be able to go to school or work full time.  Maybe a few minor modifications because of the ADHD, but nothing major.  I certainly shouldn’t be sitting around at home all day.

Of course, the feeling that I should be doing something contributes to the depression which is already a bigger problem because I’ve yet to find a therapist and my medication is all out of whack which then means that I hit the “can’t get out of bed all day” phase which means I really can’t do anything which means I feel even more useless and…it’s a bit of a cycle.  I know it’s a cycle.  I’ve been in therapy long enough to recognise the cycle.  I can’t do anything about it, but I recognise it.  Which is also frustrating.

I’d just like for people to be able to see that there’s something off with me.  Just for one day.  Just so they know that it’s not all my head (well…it might be,  but in the psychological disorder sense rather than the hypochondriac sense…which I suppose would be a disorder in and of itself…have I mentioned I have ADHD?) and I really do need some sort of help.  At they very least it’d make me feel less stupid.

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