First of all, l’shana tova!  Yes, I’m online on Rosh Hashana.  I’m Reform

This week I am grateful for:

24. Being gay.  I know, this is kind of an odd one.  Most gay men go through a time where they wish they were “normal”, but I never had that.  When you start going to Pride in middle school it doesn’t really occur to you to worry about your sexuality.  Instead I got to embrace GLBT culture, something most people don’t really even know about.  I like that, I like having those cultural touchstones.  Even if we’ve hit a point where most non-Californians no longer remember them.
25. Lesbians.  I actually don’t have many lesbian friends.  Offline the GLBT community stays pretty segregated (men here, women there, transpeople off to the side or with men/women depending on their sexuality) and online…well, I don’t like the lesbians online.  Anyone who thinks effeminate men get treated better than butch women is too far removed from reality for my tastes.  I do very much appreciate the few lesbian friends I have though.  Straight men rarely want to be seen with the town homo, gay/bisexual men always have a bit of a sexual undercurrent (which is fun, don’t get me wrong), and straight/bisexual women have a tendency to think I’m a stand in for their boyfriend.  Lesbians don’t have any of those issues and they understand what it’s like to be queer.
26. Friends in several countries.  Lately I’ve become a bit nocturnal.  I’m on leave from school to sort out some health issues and my natural sleep rhythm predisposes me to be more awake in the evenings.  Generally this is a pain because no one’s awake when I am so I end up being bored online.  Instead I’ve been catching up with all my long distance friends (from London to Hong Kong to California, all the way back around to Missouri) and a few locals with night shift jobs.  Makes for interesting conversation.
27. Being Jewish.  I made a very conscious decision to convert when I was 13, but didn’t get around to the reality of it until a few years ago (mainly because you have to be 18 first).  Then while researching I found out that my family is actually Jewish, but was forced to convert to Catholicism around the Crusades.  We still have many Jewish traditions, including lighting Shabbat candles every Friday night (which I always thought was a Saints thing).  It seems appropriate that I give thanks for the return to my family’s original religion on the first day of the High Holy Days.

Today I am grateful that I grew up in two wonderfully diverse cities.

I’ve been debating with people about everything from racial minorities to gay Pride.  It’s making me realise how lucky I am to have been able to experience a myriad of cultures.  It’s hard to be fully empathetic if you’ve never actually met someone from the group you claim to hate.  It’s possible, but it’s not nearly as easy as if you live and work with people from a wide range of backgrounds.

This is particularly true of gay male culture.  Well over half of the gay population cannot stand anyone who doesn’t fit the “we’re just like heterosexuals” mould.  They insist that Pride go-ers make their life harder even though they’ve never actually been to Pride.  They insist that the gay rights movement would be moving faster if it weren’t for flaming queens out in clubs.  They fail to recognise that flaming queens built this movement.

What bothers me more is that they care about no one other than themselves.  Flame queens aren’t hurting anyone (unless you piss them off).  There are a few homophobes who don’t like them, but those people don’t like “normal” gay men either.  Anyone with sense realises that there is a wide range of human behaviour and flame queens are just one small part of that range.

Beyond that, flame queens are necessary.  I grew up in San Francisco, I didn’t need anyone to tell me it’s fine to be out and proud.  I’m also in the minority.  I know more than my share of fabulous gay men who are ashamed of that flame, guys who have been taunted by everyone for so long that they no longer want to be the amazing people they were born as.  That’s not something anyone should ever have to go through, especially not when there’s a way to avoid it.  We need our queens, even if only to show the scared kids out in Kansas that there are people like them.

Another bullet point list because I’m slightly woozy.

I am grateful for:

18. The Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence.  When I was six I saw my first sister handing out pamphlets in LA.  Ever since I’ve wanted to be “one of those cool nuns with the clown makeup.”  Now it’s eight years later and Parker and I have set things in motion to start up a DC Mission.
19. Advil.  I’ve had a headache for about three days now and Advil is the only thing that even remotely works.  At this point I <3 Advil.
20. Friends who get it.  I love my friends.  They’re all amazing and special in their own unique ways.  However, there are certain friends who just get me better than others.  The friends that I can talk to without having to explain for the 14th time that I’m gay, poly, liberal, and slightly insane.  The friends who listen when I feel ill, but don’t immediately start thinking I’m going to die (unless I’m in a really bad mood, then they know to coddle me a bit).  These friends are rare, mostly because I’ve always been a slightly difficult person to read.  I appreciate them taking the extra effort to understand my brain shifts.
21. PG Tips and McVitties Tea Biscuits.  I have a stash from when I was living in London and the grocery store across the street has started stocking imports so I no longer worry about running out.  Words cannot describe how happy this makes me.  Tea and biscuits are my comfort food, any time I feel ill or depressed or anxious or anything I immediately want tea and biscuits.  Until now I had to ration myself so I didn’t run out before my next trip (something that becomes infinitely more difficult when you’re not sure when you’ll have spare cash again), but now I can enjoy my bit of London without worrying.
22. Effeminate gay men.  From my first ventures into the gay male world in middle school (and before, though I didn’t know it) my friends have consisted almost entirely of gay/bi men/boys and straight women/girls.  When I moved to DC I didn’t realise how much of that I’d be losing.  It’s been an odd experience not having any effeminate guys to talk to.  Sure, there are a few gay men I know, but it’s hard to have the same level of understanding with the Abercrombie clones and “straight acting” guys DC is full of.  I need someone who likes glitter, who gets the musical references, and who doesn’t look at me with disdain because I swish when I walk.  I’ve finally found a few people to talk to and it’s done wonders for my mental health.

I am thankful for therapy.  Today that’s about all I can come up with.  I feel like shit, dissociative episodes seem to be happening any time I leave the flat on my own, and I’m starting to think my depression is hitting another “let’s make Tobias want to kill himself 24-7″ phase.  I haven’t started hallucinating so that’s always a plus, but it’s still not what anyone would consider pleasant.

However, there is therapy.  Therapy doesn’t work for all people, it actually makes Parker feel worse.  Luckily, it does work for me.  It works for me in ways that very few other things do.  I can’t take medication because every antidepressant I’ve ever been on has made me more actively suicidal than I already am, but I can go to therapy.  I can write and I can paint and I can finally attempt to play Parker’s violin as another way of coping.  I’m going to end up having to take another leave from school since it’s hard to get anything done if you can’t actually get there and I’m probably not mentally in a place where I can be around sharp objects (like hair cutting shears) right now, but during that time I can go to lots and lots of therapy.

I’ll also be seeing a neurologist just in case the dissociation is a physical issue rather than a mental one.  In my case it’s hard to tell.  Either way: therapy.  I should’ve been going this entire time, I know by now that if I don’t go my productivity suffers.  I had no insurance for a while though and therapy is expensive.  Even now it’s not covered entirely so I’ll have to find someone relatively cheap, but it’s better than nothing.  With any luck I’ll find an awesome therapist like the one I had back in SJ.  Last thing I need is a shrink who tries to tell me all my issues are based around being gay or poly or whatever.  (Yes, they do exist.  I’ve had a few of them.  Idiots.)  DC’s a decently sized city though, there should be someone worth seeing.

Listing today because I’m still slightly ill and don’t feel much like writing.

Things I am grateful for:

12. Being alive.  My birthday just passed and while I really kind of hate my birthday (long story), it does serve as a reminder of how incredibly lucky I am.  I wasn’t meant to make it past 5, then 10, then 20…well, I’m 24 now and while I have some health issues, I’m doing better than most any other point in my life.  So being alive is kind of a big deal to me.
13. Internet anonymity. Most people who know me can figure out who Parker and I are.  I haven’t tried all that hard to conceal our identities because I really don’t care if family and friends read this.  However, I do want to keep psychos from knowing where I live.  I didn’t care up until the past few weeks, but my Rifqa Bary post has drawn in the fundamentalist Christians.  I’ve started receiving the usual antisemitic, homophobic death threats that are common amongst that brand of idiocy.  I don’t mind all that much, most of them are barely literate and therefore probably have never left their hometowns anyway.  It just makes me that much happier to know that nowhere on here is my location (beyond DC which is huge) or photograph.
14. Friends.  Most of my friends know enough to avoid my birthday like the plague.  I love that because it means I don’t have to worry about being social or happy the day of.  However, I also love my new friends who don’t know any better.  I’m slowly hitting a point where I can kinda-sorta celebrate on my actual birthday so while it’s a little weird to be getting happy wishes, it’s still nice.  Especially since they don’t expect me to be doing anything huge.
15. Parker understanding me and our relationship.  Recently I’ve been having trouble with people trying to tell me that I’m not being faithful to Parker.  They don’t seem to realise that my immediate response to this is to ask him if I’m doing anything that upsets him.  For example, a mutual friend was startled to discover that a friend of Parker’s was “flirting” (not really) with me.

    First of all, there are cultural differences where what’s acceptable amongst gay men isn’t always acceptable amongst straight people/lesbians and vice versa.  Second, he didn’t seem to realise that I’m allowed to flirt if I really want to.  I can do much more than flirt if I ask permission first.  Hell, if we really want to we can bring in a third partner.  People don’t like to accept this.  They assume that their reality is also my own.

    Luckily, Parker knows, understands, and agrees to the rules of our relationship.  He knows when I have so much as a schoolboy crush, let alone if I’m seriously interested in someone.  We both get veto power over anyone who we may interact with in a more than friendly manner, though we try to use it sparingly (particularly when it comes to me, I become attached more quickly than most).  The idea that others believe me to be less than 100% faithful simply because our relationship isn’t exclusive is…frustrating, at best.

16. My experiences in gay male circles growing up. I keep forgetting that I was socialised in a very different way from most people.  Thanks to the parents of several friends I was able to interact with gay boys and men of all ages from a relatively young age.  There is very little that can replace learning about the Stonewall Riots from a drag queen who was there.  Not many places are better for a 13/14 year old boy to learn about bears than San Francisco Pride and the Folsom Street Fair.  I was heavily supervised, but at the same time it was made clear that my sexuality was my own.  No one tried to keep me from having safe, consensual sexual experiences with people in my own age bracket.

    What’s amusing is that I still waited longer than any of my friends to have sex.  Partially because I’m such a geek, but also because I knew that if I wanted to I could.  I simply decided to hold off until I no longer blushed bright red at the mere idea of buying condoms.  The thought of not using condoms never once occurred to me, I had seen far too many men break down when thinking of the friends they’d lost to AIDS to even consider putting myself at risk.

    I was lucky.  Most of my generation has been lucky.  We’re young enough to have come out before our late 20s-mid 30s.  GSAs were common in our high schools and may have even existed in our middle/junior high schools.  We’re the generation of Will and Grace, Queer Eye, and Queer as Folk.  We missed the AIDS crisis in the 80s and are old enough to have access not only to a full range of STD prevention and detection, but also medications that will prolong our lives in the event that a condom breaks.  It’s not perfect, there’s still certainly room for improvement, but slowly things are getting better.